On Bread and Games

                Hello. We live in a democracy: a society wherein government rules only by the consent of the people who have the right to demand certain things from their rulers and throw them out of power if they deem those in power haven’t looked after their interests. I know, it’s terrible, isn’t it? Eugh, people getting a say in the fate of their own countries, yuk. This is not a good idea because, as anyone who’s been to a Weatherspoons on Curry Thursday can tell you, people are scum. They’re also sorely in need of a few elocution lessons, but that’s a topic for a different set of poorly-researched, opinions masquerading as an article. Today I’m concerning myself with how to minimise the damage this whole “Right of Nations to Self-Determination” thing can do to the plans of an aspiring oligarch.

                I recommend oligarchy rather than monarchy to solve our country’s problem with mob rule because there’s a lot of work involved in manipulating the fate of nations to suit one’s own needs; it is a complex and time-consuming exercise which will be made much easier with colleagues. The other reason is that the existing governmental system is one with power in several hands so by having a cabal rule your people by your side you can maintain a facade of not changing things too dramatically; this will allow you to strengthen your grip on the reins of power before anyone realises what you are doing. So, you will need a group you can trust to follow instructions. You either need people with shared goals and philosophy or some on whom you have some dirt which can be used to blackmail them. I advocate the latter because ideals might change when a person is given power, but blackmail will only become a more potent means of control once they are in the public eye.

                You will no doubt want to rush straight off to pull down the great pillars of your society and tear up its foundations to make room for your new solid gold swimming pool, but if you want to succeed hold on a minute. Grinding down the institutions of a people to make gravel for your driveway takes longer than one might thing – Rome’s constitution wasn’t irrevocably altered in a day, as they say – so you’ll need some sort of fig leaf or mandate to hide behind while you’re working. I recommend blaming the previous rulers. Whether you’re pretending to restore republican morality or tackle a deficit, you will be thankful for the ability to say “Well, I’m sorry, but this wouldn’t be necessary if they hadn’t messed things up quite so badly. Now bend over, bite the pillow and take your medicine. Oh, you like your medicine, don’t you? You need your medicine because you’re a sick society in need of reform, aren’t you? Oh, take the medicine! Take it! If you stop clenching then we can all be in THIS together, too!” Practice this sort of phrase and remember to vary it; you’ll seem far from genuine if you just repeat the same catch-phrase verbatim each time you’re challenged.

                This is quite enough for your to-do list for now, so I’ll leave you here. I don’t want to blind you with science and in any case I have a date with a bottle of gin. Don’t be scared if it seems like a lot of work, it’s all necessary to get the changes you see as being necessary. But in the interest of balance I will tell you that you can affect these changes another way. You can properly engage with the current imperfect system, organise your peers and lobby your representatives to actually earn their salary, constantly reminding them of problems and what you think needs changing, tell them they’ll lose your vote if they fundamentally change the health service, for example. I didn’t say the alternative method of changing society was any easier, did I? In any case, you’d better get cracking on finding the darkest secrets of your soon-to-be colleagues in office, or writing to your MP or whatever. If you don’t get started soon some other group with educated accents and shiny faces and vast wealth will get in and dismantle the country to suit the interests of their friends.

                Oh? They already have? Hmm. Well in that case make yourself a bacon sarnie, stick on “The Apprentice” and accept your fate like a good little subject. Pan ludique are all we, the ruled classes, really need anyway, innit?

One hopes you're well,

Yrs,

ADWoodward

The Song of the Fallen Queen

Hello. Terribly sorry I've not put anything up here for a little while; I was in the Caribbean. It was a lovely holiday, but this post has nothing to do with that. I thought I'd share with you another thing that was the basis for song lyrics for the play what I was in. this one is based on Euripides' Hecuba. It goes thusly:

The Song of the Fallen Queen

She is a mother and instinct is mighty;

It drove her in her offspring’s best interest,

Like the she-bear with her mountain-side rages.

When one’s child is threatened one’s brain disengages;

No logic, no calm analysis.

Pure action, driven by fear of paralysis.

Doing nothing has grave consequences

For her and her bundle of joy.

When her daughter or her little boy

Needs her she’ll pay no heed to logic,

Or safety, or the binding decorum of man-made laws.

For she knows the high price of the slightest pause:

The life of a child,

Her child.

Not moving, nor smiling, nor screaming, or crying

But still.

Dreadfully still.

And cold.

But if maternal instinct fails her

There’s one thought left to save her:

Punish the infanticide.

That might still the screams inside.

The heart-piercing note of a terrified child

Begging the feminine sentinel to appear

And say “It’s okay now, don’t cry, mummy’s here”

And make the hurting stop

And make them go away

And make everything alright again.

But it won’t ever be alright again.

She’ll never hold her child again.

And that is why she hurt the men

Who tore out her still-beating heart.

Foolish in naïveté

She believed them when they promised sweetly

That they would look after her child,

That they would stand in loco parentis,

And stand guard after her farewell kiss.

But they didn’t.

And now the rage has faded,

And her battle-lust is sated,

She stands by a photograph

Of an eight-year child old caught mid-laugh

And she knows –

More than anything she’s known before or since

That despite her just and cunning revenge

It will never be alright again.

One hopes you're well,
yrs,
ADWoodward

The Song of the Silent Prophet

Hello. Tonight is the last night of the play what I'm in; it's in The Courtyard Theatre, Shoreditch, and I'm sure you can still buy tickets on the door if you particularly want. The play tries (valiantly, I think) to make a feminist point and this poem is the basis of the lyrics to the last song of the play and tries to drive home said point. The myth on which the poem is based is that of Apollo and Cassandra and I'd like to share it with you. It goes thusly:

The Song of the Silent Prophet

Women, as I’m sure you know by now, are objects;

Objects to be bought and traded, pawed at and paraded,

Loaned and hired and at their most ideal, objects of desire.

Women have no voice – why would they need one?

They only need to stay where they’re put and when they’re called, to come.

One such object, a princess of Troy was put in a temple as decoration,

An ornament for mighty Apollo’s sordid delectation.

The petulant god wanted more than just to see her

He needed to own her – it was his right he was owed this prize

She got no say – why would she want one?

She should be honoured to have been chosen.

When she said yes, as doubtless she would,

He’d gift her with unseen sight -

A prize he knew she’d like.

Gods have very good taste.

But in his haste he failed to see

That his charms were not as sweet as he believed

And she said no.

To a god.

To a man.

And in his pique he sought to wreak

A terrible curse to bind her to tragedy

To put her in her place.

He took the gift and twisted it, made it grotesque;

Prophetic joys still filled her mind

But in place of hope-filled ecstasies

Her mind recoiled from haunting shades

There was no respite – why should she get one?

She tried to warn her kith and kin of all the nightmares she had seen

But they mocked her and ignored her and said her daydreams bored them.

Apollo in his gleeful spite had hid her truth from others’ sight

Until her own doom loomed before her

Not one man would heed her warnings.

He needn’t have bothered;

What sane man would have listened to her?

To a woman?

To a slave?

To an object?

One hopes you're well,
yours,
ADWoodward

The Ballad of Clytemnestra

Hello. At the moment I am in a very interesting play. It's about a son trying to free himself from the attentions of the furies - spirits of vengeance - who are haunting him because he killed his mother because she killed his father killed their daughter. Also the daughter kills the wife's new lover, but that's okay because no one likes him. It's on 7th, 8th & 9th of July at the courtyard theatre and if you'd like you can buy tickets for it here: http://www.thecourtyard.org.uk/whatson/261/the-women-screaming-beyond. I wouldn't be so vulgar as to use the sacred space of my blog just to be a commercial whore. I do have a thing for you to read as well. The play uses songs to do what choral odes did in Greek tragedy. I wrote poems which, with a little bit of tweaking by people who actually know something about music, became the lyrics for these songs. I would like to share one of these with you. This one is the ghost of the mother exhorting the furies to do their job and it goes thusly:

The Ballad of Clytemnestra

Hello there, Furies, how are you? I’ve been trapped down in the gloom

But I thought I’d come and ask you why - despite the solemn task that I

Gave you when I made you from rage and hatred -

Why is my son still breathing?

I wondered what was keeping you

And now I find you sleeping, you

Useless, idle twerps.

Don’t you know how I suffer?

But it’s not enough for you to just delay

No! You have to while away the day

While that matricidal little shit

Of a son of mine commits

His crime and spends his time

Changing the wallpaper in MY throne room

While I’m stuck, as I said, down in Hades’ gloom

Being snidely mocked by the shades of mediocre cocks.

So I thought I’d tell you

Why I swiftly sent you

To give me some peace at last.

I won’t let that weapon-wielding arse,

Agamemnon be vindicated in infanticide

Or let the git decide to put his brother’s wife before his own.

You lay there with your dreaming

When you should turn your minds to scheming

On how to give me one thing at which I won.

From the outset I was second-best

Like when Zeus came down to test

His pimping skills on our mother

And the Olympian begat

Another squalling brat

Whose life was heaven-blessed

While I, of mortal seed, was left

In Helen’s whorish shadow.

Every king and every prince of every place in Greece

Wanted her to have a piece

Of them inside of her

And maybe make a bride of her.

I was second-prize.

So just for once in my wretched life

Can’t things turn out as I wanted?

I want Orestes to be haunted

But you just had to have a nap!

I will not take this crap!

So stand up, get in line!

You’re my furies! Mine!

It was my rage that called you back

From slumber underneath the earth

My screams that gave you birth

And still I find you snoring!

You lazy, useless, slothful, toothless,

Awful, hopeless, gruesome, loathsome

Pathetic excuses for a spirit of vengeance,

I demand you find my son and make him pay

But most of all I’d like to say:

WAKE UP, YOU IDLE FUCKING CUNTS!

One hopes you're well,
yrs,
ADWoodward

Indistinct Visions of Four Futures

Hello. Sorry to have abandoned you all recently; I've been just busy enough that I've not had the time to focus and get anything down on paper. In the last day or so, though, I've experienced a small lull in my commitments and have taken the opportunity to finish a thing which I thought I'd share with you. It goes thusly:

Indistinct Visions of Four Futures

                I’m sitting in a friend’s bedroom. It is late and I am peaceful. We have been watching and talking of mildly interesting things of little import, though at this point the proceedings have reached a natural lull. In the quiet I’m struck by a sudden realisation, perfect in its clarity. For each of us I see another, similar figure in the same space. The figures are larger and more indistinct; representative of a possibility rather than a concrete reality. Each figure is clearly in a different, future setting but I cannot see precisely what that might be.

                The first of my companions has paused, leaving a cigarette half-rolled to enjoy idly throwing a lighter into the air and catching it. These distinct actions both seem an incredibly worthy use of his time. If he catches the lighter it’s completely okay because he chose to do it so of course he would succeed. If he misses it’s fine because he is just messing around. He returns to his rolling and his deliberate, practised movements are entirely in accordance with some plan he’s hatched or orders he has received. The translucent animus following his movements seems to be wearing a uniform. I cannot be sure whether it is best dress or combat fatigues or a well-made but slightly over-worn blazer, but it conveys purpose. Whether it is a terrible objective or a wonderful aim I cannot be certain, but the clothes of the image seem entirely suitable for the task at hand. This is a man who will be certain of things and his place within them.

                The second young man is to the right of the first. He is reclining on a bean-bag; smoking a cigarette he was lent; lent because although the lender would not get the same fag back again there is an amicable certainty that the debt would be repaid quickly and without fuss or any uncomfortable sense of obligation. He sits up to make use of the ashtray on one corner of the bed and meets my eyes when he becomes aware of my gaze. He holds it while we share a laugh about something that I can’t quite remember and returns to his squidgy throne. He is the youngest of our group – the hairs on his chin the unshaved fur of an adolescent lion rather than anything approaching an actual beard. He also the most silent, though this is by nature and not by status. I see a confident and content figure occupying the same space as this cub. It is possibly arranging the affairs of its pride with calm, unopposed authority;  possibly improving life for those around it with a subtly jovial presence and a few carefully timed words. Either way this future will be, barring great catastrophe, of positive worth to those who encounter it.

                My third colleague in my evening of positively unproductive time-passing is the one whom I’ve known the longest. With the music idly shuffling between genres it is his ceiling at which we are staring; it is his realm and he is holding court. He is discussing something delightfully unimportant with a knowing and deliberate, patently preposterous patina of pomposity. We are amusing ourselves by not letting him make his point. He is amusing us by rising to the bait. It is an act made funnier by the times we can all think of when it was genuine irritation. He is a legitimately good man: dedicated, loyal, diligent, generous, and ready to listen. This is why I am made uncomfortable by some of what I’m seeing in the nebulous figure loitering about him. I do see all the positive qualities which make me his friend, but they have been corrupted. Pessimism at his chances of success has worn the dedication to listlessness; emotional wounds have built walls around his loyalty; without passion for his tasks his diligence has fled; no one gives to him anymore so generosity is a childhood fairytale; he is surrounded by and has learned from a cadre of closed-eared pseudo-friends. The indistinct figures may just be the idle imaginings of a weary mind, but I am worried nonetheless. The social being learns much from those who surround it, so I hope this dear friend of mine plants himself in loving soil.

                And what of myself? Can the cracked and imperfect lens be used to examine the wielder? I try. I see a man, sat thinking, with a distracted look upon his face. I do not know what it is going through his mind, nor can even guess the nature of the thought. Is it a carefully constructed network of highways linking towns across a vast and peopled plain? Is it a lightning flash, sudden and wonderful, short-lived and evading capture? Is it a vortex, spinning and consuming, sucking all into its Charybdic maw, swallowing the hopeful sailors as they strive vainly for the safety of their native harbour? Or is it an old lapdog by the fire enjoying the warmth, and content for any who wishes to give a pat and bit of ham? I don’t know – I was interrupted by a proffered bottle and a request to put something funny up on the screen. It’s probably (I decide as I take a swig of something sweet and fiery) either all of them or none of them. It might be interesting to see but futures can wait; we’ve got cartoons to watch.

One hopes you're well
   yrs,
      ADWoodward

Pogonophilic Nonsense

Hello. Pogonophilic means 'beard-loving', which will be the theme of this post. Because it's my blog and I can do what I want with it, that's why. Incidentally, you may be interested to know that my browser's spell-checker doesn't recognise the word 'pogonophilic' and, when I right-clicked to see if I'd misspelt it, instead offered me the word 'necrophiliac'. This post will in no way be about that.
I have a beard and I love my beard because it's soft and comforting like a bunny made out of a half-forgotten childhood memory; and because today is the two-year anniversary of the last time I was clean-shaven  I thought I'd commemorate this important milestone by sharing with you a number of the thoughts I've had about the exciting world of beard-wearing in that time.
I suppose I should start off by admitting that mine is not the most spectacular beard in the world, and lends me less gravitas than those of other men and women (I do not ever knowingly discriminate on my blog). My maternal grandfather's beard, for example, made him look like Tsar Nicholas II; mine, by contrast, makes me look like a pokémon that might one day evolve into Brian Blessed. I acknowledge that this particular joke would work better if you could see me, but if you picture a pale creature with the contents of an unblocked bathroom sink's drain glued to its face you'll get a rather close approximation. If you want your image to be more accurate give it a gin-glazed expression and a puerile smirk. Oh, and damn sexy legs, those are an important part of the picture.
I originally grew the beard simply because I'm naturally a rather hairy man and it's a bugger to stay clean-shaven. In fact I'm hairy enough that I was once helping a six-year-old with its maths with my sleeves rolled up when it put down its pencil, stroked my arm and asked me if I was a cat. I'm not.
Despite the fact it's origin came out of practicality and laziness, over these two years my beard has grown on me. (Grown on me! Ha! Oh, what a shining wit I am!) Nowadays I wouldn't be without a beard. There is not a single moment in life when stroking one's beard is not an appropriate response; joy, anger or boredom there's always something it can offer - it's basically the Swiss-army knife of facial features; both because it has many uses and because a lot of the people who resisted Nazism had one. The moments when it is most useful are those in which I am upset or stressed because it's soft and comforting like a kitten made out of Kinder Buenos.
A beard's uses extend beyond being an emotional crutch (which is different from an 'emotional crotch' - my beard has never got drunk, put me in a headlock and shouted about how much it fucking loves me. This is fine, my beard and I have that deep sort of love that goes beyond words. It doesn't need to say anything, I know it loves me; I can tell.)
Like all relationships this one does have its ups and its downs, and its lefts and its rights, and occasionally a sort of spiral motion that makes me dizzy so I have to go have a bit of a sit down and a glass of ribeana (which the browser's spell-checker thinks is me attempting the word 'Caribbean'). The first downside is the fact that when I go drinking, as I am occasionally wont to do, my beard generates an unseemly fascination in some of those around me. I know it's a wonderful symbol of manliness, I know they're incredibly jealous, I know they see that it is soft and comforting like a puppy made out of a mother's love, but can these drunkards not at least ask my permission before they grope my chin? One time a particularly pissed bloke licked it. I felt violated.
But the chief downside is that I now get followed around by the staff whenever I enter a toy shop. I am in fact there because I'm killing time waiting for friends and want a look at the Lego and for all they know I could legitimately have a nephew or niece for whom I need to buy a gift, but no, they take one look at me and think I'm there for a bit of toddler snatch-and-grab! It's not my fault I'm a naturally sweaty man, my house doesn't have a cellar, any sweets I happen to have me are for my own use, and I don't even own a van! But they see the fact my Gillette doesn't get that much use these days and all these valid excuses start being ignored. They never say anything, but they don't have to; I can feel them judging me with their lifeless, glass eyes and mocking me with their neatly upholstered fur. ... I may have got toy shop workers mixed up with teddy bears there, but I think the point still stands.
But despite these minor annoyances I still love my beard because it's soft and comforting like a guinea pig made out of a joke that probably doesn't bear repeating a fourth time.
One hopes you're well,
Yrs,
ADWoodward (and beard)

A Message From Your Friends at the BNP

Hello. As much as anything else recently I've been endeavouring to catch up on the news, particularly political news - solemn duty of all citizens of democracies and all that. This made me remember that I'd written this piece. I thought I'd share it with you because I enjoy it; it's the closest thing to satire I've written. It goes thusly:

A Message From Your Friends at the BNP

I’m here from the BNP to make a party political broadcast. We here at the Belgian Geologists are Nasty party want to warn you about the grave threat Belgian geologists pose to Britain. Belgian geologists – all of them, not just a small minority of extremists – every single Belgian geologist is evil and out to destroy your way of life. Belgian geologists are a naturally backwards and jealous people, it’s ingrained into them at birth. Belgian Geologists - all of them, not just a small minority of extremists – even the little ones you see playing in the park, every single Belgian geologist bases their entire life on one holy book – the Manuel belge de géologie- which if you read it you’ll find is full of gross, outdated barbarisms. I’ve not read it- eugh books- I don’t need to read it, I know it’s evil, my mate Barry told me so.

The Belgian landscape is made up of mud, boredom and occasionally and an irate Colin Farrell, this leaves Belgian geologists very little to study. That means Belgian geologists – all of them, not just a small minority of extremists – even the nice ones at your work - every single Belgian geologist is part of a conspiracy to bring all other geologists down to their level. Now the English are fantastic geologists, as our language exhibits. English contains the word ‘homilite’ which is both an ‘association’ and a ‘borosilicate of iron and calcium’. Belgian geologists don’t have access to such a brilliant word for ‘borosilicate of iron and calcium’, if Belgian geologists want to discuss borosilicates of iron and calcium they can’t use homilite, they have to use another word, a Belgian word. I don’t know what that word is, obviously – I’ve not done any research to back this up. Who needs research when your opinions are informed by blind prejudice and things I’ve barely understood from internet chatrooms? And that’s just one example of the evil of Belgian geologists – which you would all know about if you weren’t blinded by the liberal media who are too cowed by Belgian-geological extremism to bring you the truth! That’s right Belgian geologists – all of them, not just a small minority of extremists - even the ones who are entirely integrated and don’t even know that much about geology - every single one of them believes that if they sneak onto British public transport and suddenly and violently explain the differences between igneous and metamorphic rocks then they will be rewarded with 72 samples of homilites. We can only hope that if it is true there’ll be some great cosmic joke: “I was promised 72 homilites!” Yes but did your holy book state whether they would be borosilicates of iron and calcium, or simply rather fancy synonyms for association?

One hopes you're well,
   Yrs,
      ADWoodward