A conversation verbatim

Hello. I've been in a dark mood for about a week now, and earlier today a friend got me out of it. There is no rush like the sudden contrast of hating oneself versus being happy. I don't know whether this will give anyone but me a rush, but it was an important enough conversation that I want a record of it. There's some phrasing in the conversation that to my mind smacks like literature so I thought it might fit in here. It helped me and might help you, so I thought I'd share it with you.It goes thusly:

Me: 

How does one go about shutting off that part of one's brain which delights in delivering a rolling litany that one's a cunt?

My friend :

BEER

What's up?

Why do you want to tell people of their cuntishness?

Me:

I don't know. across the last week every time when I've not been doing something else (and a lot of the time when i've been try to do something else) I've had a rolling mass of lists of reasons whose origins i don't know but whose veracity i can't doubt of all the reasons why I have no value

it's starting to get to me

My friend: 

My delayed response is due to having just choked on my own saliva for no reason other than I appear to have forgotten how to swallow. Sorry.

Why do you think that you lack value?

Me:

I'm not an actual person. i'm a series of shoddy masks - one that pretends to be intelligent, one that pretends to be funny one that pretends to be creative and they keep slipping or they don't fit any more which prompts an impulse to lash out venomously while i try to re-affix them for even a few moments. I don't like lashing out and so I sit hoping noone actually looks and sees the poorly-painted papier machee hanging limply from my face

And I'm a prick who apparently can only speak in overly-forced metaphor

My friend:

While that's very artistic Woody, it's complete and utter bollocks

You've clearly overthought your existence a little too much

What you have just described can be applied to any human being.

The fact that you are intelligent enough to recognise it makes you special

You are an actual person and you are a genuine and lovely person. And I know this because I like you, and I am very picky over people that I feel safe around

Me:

Hurrah

My friend:

The issue here is not what you think you are, it's that you have over thought who you think you and in doing so have broken down all the little tiny things that make you special into nothingness.

You've broken yourself down into tiny parts which you are focusing on

Which makes them meaningless

what makes them meaningful is when all of the tiny, broken down, insignificant little pieces of you join together

Because that makes a person

Just as the single atoms of my bedroom floor are meaningless as individuals

But put them all together and you have a floor. Which is important or else I would have fallen into the living room

In short, you are not a cunt. Some small aspect of your personality may be a cunt, but that part is an important part of you and you should cherish it and see it in context with all the other parts of you. Because without the good and bad aspects of your personality you really would have no value.

Does that help at all?

17:47

Me:

Yes.

Thank you.

A Small Recommendation

Hello.

Have you ever been sat in the corner of a room filled to the brim with emptiness of an unknown origin, trapped by a great black dog which with drooling yellow fangs snaps off the words “you’re a cunt” in near-continuous, rumbling litany to keep you immobile and scare off any visitors you might have?

I have.

I probably wouldn't recommend it to friends.

One hopes you're well,

yrs,

ADWoodward